After being gone for so long it’s hard for me to dive into blogging like I used to. The writing came a lot easier back then too. I find myself coming back to Life Blog for two reasons. It’s been way too long since I’ve even considered writing/blogging. I just gave up. Second, is it feels like the right time to get my feet wet again. Lately my life theme has been rediscovery, and it just felt right. If my were a book this chapter would be called Love triangles, Tattoos, and Blogs. Yes I know it’s strange. And no I couldn’t come up with a better title. Cut me some slack it’s been about a year since I wrote for fun. Anyways back to the main point. With my life taking a new direction I want to share and document my journey once again.
Speaking of my journey, I’m going to take a moment and share with you how it’s evolved. Back in March 2013 after attending a leadership conference on my college campus I decided to make a blog. I always had a passion for writing and it seemed like a lot of fun. 2013 me was also experiencing a transition and dedicated himself fully to the mission of self improvement. He had years of baggage and a severely wounded self esteem motivating him. Thus Life Blog was born! All through out college I kept a laser focus on my mission. I wouldn’t let anyone – including myself- get in the way. For a while it seemed that my mission was a success. I was popular and had great friends, I got good grades and I was very involved in clubs and community service. Occasionally that familiar feeling of emptiness would creep up again. I would ignore these feelings and push through. If I ever felt sad or lonely I would remember the mission. I didn’t have time to be sad, I needed to be better.
I went on like until Junior year of college and then I finally snapped. Suddenly nothing I did was right and I hated my judgement. It was like somebody cut the brakes on my left and I had lost all control until I finally crashed and burned. My friends were gone. I looked around and I was completely and utterly alone. I had more responsibility then I could ever be expected to handle. No one gave a shit about me. For about a month all I could feel was anger. I went to bed pissed off and woke furious because I was awake. That anger was just a cover for what I was actually feeling: pain. When I finally allowed myself to feel the pain it sucked. I felt like was unjustly getting punished, or maybe I deserved it?
That was back in April. It wasn’t until about a week or two ago that I had finally realized what went wrong. My mission led me to do drastic things in order to become “the best Me”. I wanted to prove to others that I was worth something. I wanted to prove that I was good enough. The pressure of living up to everyone’s expectations plus my own was super stressful to say the least. There is nothing wrong with self improvement. People should strive to do better and be better. What I needed however wasn’t self improvement. I needed self-acceptance. I needed to accept that no matter how hard I tried I could never be perfect. That I would have people reject me for one reason or another. Most importantly I needed to learn to let people be who they are instead of trying to change them. I read a quote recently that really summed up my situation: “When we try to control people and things we have no business controlling, they end up controlling us”.
So now my revised mission is to be myself, accept myself. and love who I am. Hopefully you all can find your own life mission.