Secret Saturday: The Four Year Bind

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Confession: I’ve been attached to the same girl for about four years (and counting).

I have never had a girlfriend officially or unofficially but strangely enough I understand emotional attachment quite well. This is because since sophomore year in high school I’ve had a lasting crush on the same girl. In the interest of privacy I won’t reveal any names, but I suspect anyone who knows me fairly well will know who I’m talking about. Just to be clear I do not wish embarrass anyone or put them the on spot; I simply want to relate a story.

Most of those years I didn’t really talk to her, but I felt connected to her in a strange type of way and it was overwhelming. It got so bad that I started displaying strange behaviors in her presence. I went mute whenever she came around because I just didn’t know what to say. Whenever she was around I would get shaky and rattled, paranoid even. Liking someone that much was new and it scared the shit out of me. Even now I get a little panicked when she’s around, but I never understood until recently why I reacted this way.

Well there are two reasons. The first: I was so afraid of experiencing attachment that let those emotions trample me. All I thought about was how I was going to impress this girl I liked and how not to mess it up. I had this ridiculous notion that I had to be perfect, clever and impressive along with a slew of other things. Ironically this made contributed to my downfall because I ended up stressing about what I was going to say instead of actually speaking to her. If I would have just calmed down and not stressed out about every little detail everything would have been fine, despite the outcome. It seems obvious now but then it just wasn’t so clear.

The second reason: I wasn’t honest with myself. I lost count the number of times I claimed to no longer like this woman even though I clearly did. I was convinced that I didn’t need anyone and depending on others is an unnecessary burden .The truth is I still believe this to some extent but I’ve come to realize how flawed the reasoning is. At some point everyone needs to depend on others for help. There’s nothing wrong with being a loner but you will need to rely on others eventually. Once I opened up and learned to depend on my friends when I was down I able to better understand myself and control my emotions.

So what is the point of all this? Actually I’m too sure. This is something that’s been on my mind for quite a while. Even after all this time I still attached and I don’t fully understand why, but I know that I do not have to fear those emotions. The one thing I’ve learned is that there is no simple answer when it comes to the complexity of human relationships and dealing with emotional attachments.

What do you guys think? I would love any feedback!

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